#motivation finally returned to me

[scythegameing]

Conflicting Lives- Chapter 7: Midnight Nightmare, Afternoon Patrol

Word Count: 2788

Scythe looked up at Martian from where he was poised on the ground, clutching the deep wound in his right side. The red-clad villain had knocked him down with a powerful blow, and he was now half laying, half sitting against the brick wall of the alleyway they were in. A small pool of Scythe's crimson-violet blood was forming on the rough concrete below him, also scattered across Martian's upper body from their fight.

Scythe tried desperately to crawl away from Martian. He still had his entire life ahead of him. He was scared to die, and he didn’t want to die either, but something told him that Martian wouldn't let him go, even if he was begging on the brink of death.

But he still tried. “Please…” Scythe said, his voice barely above a whisper thanks to his quickly fading strength. As Martian stopped in front of him, Scythe could no longer hold his head up to look at him. “Please… I don’t want to die…”

“If only you had realized that sooner.” Martian smirked, his confidence and hatred oozing out as he spoke. “Too bad, no one’s here to save poor, little…” His voice faded, Scythe seeing his lips move, words forever unheard.

His voice now barely audible to even himself, Scythe’s vision blurred with the tears that now ran down his cheeks,  mixing with the drying blood on his face. Martian squatted down to where Scythe was laying on the ground, and lifted his head with his fingers covered in the Enderian's blood.

In the brits place, a soft, worried voice filled. “...Scythe… Scythe!” The young Enderian’s eyes shot open and he scrambled to sit up. He moved his hand almost immediately to his right side where he swore he still felt the pain of his wound.

Scythe’s heart still raced and his breath still seemed to come a bit short as he looked around the room he was in. He was in his room, in his dorm, in Cursia, and far, far, away from Martian. Taking a deep breath, Scythe took his hand off of his side, the pain from his nightmare still lingering in his mind.

“Scythe, are you alright?” The soft voice said again, somehow filled with even more worry. He looked to the side and saw Ella sitting up beside him, her eyes filled with worry and her wings fluffed in a protective manner. Scythe moved his hand to hers and slowly nodded.

“I think so, now that I’m awake.” He said slowly, testing to see how much she wanted to know, and how much he was willing to share. The worry in Ella’s eyes softened slightly, but she was still very obviously concerned about him.

“I promise, Ella. I’ll be fine. I just need to wrap my head around what happened.” He looked away as he said that, thinking about the dream a moment longer, then looked at Ella one more time. “You don’t have to worry love, I’ll be ok.”

Ella crossed her arms and looked away, fake pouting as she spoke. “I don’t believe you.” she said simply, her wings flapping very slightly on her back. Scythe simply chuckled and pulled her close, resting his head on hers.

“You don’t have to believe me, you just have to trust me.” he said to her, and she took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around him in return. The pair stayed like that for a few minutes longer, simply enjoying the warmth and comfort of the other.

Eventually, Scythe spoke again. “How about we try to sleep again? It's still too early to be fully awake, and I have a patrol to watch for myself at noon.” he had said. Ella took a few moments before responding, her voice quiet and edged with sleepiness. “Fine, but you’re not escaping cuddles.”

Scythe chuckled, his chest shaking and his mood improving immediately, the nightmare temporarily forgotten. “Alright, alright. We can cuddle back to sleep, but we have to lay back down to cuddle properly.”

Ella almost immediately let go and layed back down in the bed, shuffling and adjusting to make room for Scythe to lay next to her, and held her arms out to beckon him down. He chuckled once more under his breath before adjusting himself to properly lay down, Ella pulling him to her as soon as he got situated, and he wrapped his arms around her in turn.

“Now sleep. And no nightmares during cuddles.” Ella said. “Alright, no nightmares with cuddles.” Scythe conceded. The two Enderian hybrids held each other, eventually falling asleep cradled in each others arms with no nightmares or unsettling dreams to be had for the remainder of the night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scythe woke up a few hours later, the sun shining through the window blinds, the clock by the bed reading 10:40am. As he rubbed his eyes from their sleepiness, realizing that he now had an hour and 20 minutes to get dressed, eat, and get to the Agency building for his patrol.

“Good morning sleepyhead” Scythe heard Ella say from the doorway, not even realizing she had opened it. The sweet and savory smell of waffles met his nose, and he smiled a still-sleepy smile.

“Good morning my favoritest person in the world.” Scythe said, rubbing his eyes once more and getting up from the bed. He walked over to the doorway where Ella still stood, holding his arm out for a hug as he approached. Chuckling, she embraced his hug and after a few moments, let go and led him into the kitchen where the wonderful smell was coming from.

Spread across the kitchen counters was admittedly a mess, but amongst the mess sat two pretty plates of food. One of waffles, and one of bacon and eggs. Scythe’s mouth started to water from the smell and sight of the delicious food, and he grabbed a plate to get himself some breakfast. Ella soon followed, and they sat down at the small table to eat their breakfast/brunch.

It didn't take long to eat considering Scythe had found himself to be very hungry when he took the first bite. Once finished, he and Ella rinsed their dishes, and he helped her to clean up the mess that was spread amongst the kitchen counter. It took a few minutes longer than expected, and once the pair had finally finished cleaning the counter and washing the dishes, it was 11:00.

With an hour before he had to be at the agency, Scythe decided it was about time to get dressed in his Uniform and head out. He figured that if he left earlier than he usually would, he might be able to save some energy by going slower in case anything, or anyone, came up. Him and Ella talked for a bit longer after Scythe had changed.

He ended up leaving at around 11:15, but that still left him 45 minutes to get there. Before long, he pulled out his phone and messaged Joel.

Scythe: Do you want to join me on the way to Patrol?

Joel: Why? Are you lonely without me?

Scythe: Oh shut up! Have you met yourself when it's been a long day and you haven’t had the chance to see Etho or Lizzie?

Joel: …

Joel: Shut up. 

Scythe: Hmm

Scythe: No, I don’t think I will

Joel: Rude.

Scythe: Yeah :D

Scythe laughed to himself, and he was sure that Joel was too at his

house. It was a few moments until Joel started typing again.

Scythe put his phone back away, and started leaping and climbing his way up the nearest easily accessible rooftop. Once up, he looked around to make sure of which way he needed to go in. He realized he needed to go in the opposite direction he was facing, but once corrected, he started heading to the address.

Joel: Where do you want to meet? I have to get changed, but it shouldn’t take too long.

Scythe: How about that one café off of  [xxxx] and [xxxx]?

Joel: Sure, I’m about 10 minutes out, tops.

Scythe: I’m about the same, meet ya there.

Read

Leaping across all kinds of different kinds of roofs, Scythe swiftly made it to the café, making sure to put up an illusion before hopping back down onto the street and walking up to the building’s doors.

After placing his drink order, Scythe found a seat close to the door and a window so he could see Joel when he got here. It didn’t take long before he saw Joel walking up the door, and when he walked through the door, Scythe waved to get his attention. Joel waved back and walked up to the counter to place his own order, then joined the younger man at the table.

“Fancy seeing you here, eh stranger?” Joel said with a wide smile as he sat down in the chair. 

“Oh wow, didn’t know you hang around these parts, stranger.” Scythe responded while trying, and failing, to hold back his laughter

Before long, the two burst out into laughter, and once they had stopped laughing, a worker came by with their drinks. Scythe could swear he recognized her bright orange hair and antlers, with the pointy elf ears to match. Nevertheless, he thanked her for bringing their drinks, and took a drink of his own cappuccino.

Scythe must have been very visible in deep thought about the waitress, and Joel most definitely noticed. “You alright there mate? You’re thinking too much, I can tell.” Scythe perked up, momentarily forgetting that he was in the café in the first place.

“Yeah, sorry.” Scythe rubbed his head before continuing, “I feel like I know that waitress from somewhere else, I just can’t place where from.” He took another drink of his coffee, and waited for Joel to respond.

“I thought so too, but damn dude you think too much.” Joel said after taking a drink of his own coffee. After he took his drink he just shrugged ,”You’ll figure it out at some point, let's just enjoy our drinks until we have to go.”

“Fair enough” Scythe felt himself agreeing. He knew he would figure it out another day, but the girl seemed to stick in the back of his mind until the pair had finished their drinks and had to leave once more.

They had spent about 15 minutes there, and only had about another 15 to get to the Agency building. It would be a close fit, but they would be able to get there in time. Walking out of the building, Scythe turned to Joel with a mischievous smile on his lips.

“Bet I can beat you there without teleporting!” he said as he jumped away from the brunette. He had jumped to the ladder of a nearby building, using it to climb up onto the roof. Once he made it up, he disabled his illusion, revealing his hero uniform and he peered over the edge of the building to where Joel was standing before, only to find him missing.

“Y’know you’re a bit slow climbing things, right?” Scythe heard a voice from behind him, really close to his ear, and jumped. Turning around, he saw Joel there with his wings and hero uniform, smirking even wider than he had been earlier.

“Not fair! You have wings!” Scythe pouted. “You can use your wings to get there either, just like I can't teleport.” he tried to reason.

Joel pondered on the thought for a moment before responding. “Fine, sounds fair enough. But if the time cuts too close I can’t promise I won't fly the rest of the way” The brunette shifted his weight to one leg and crossed his arms. “Deal?”

Scythe stood up from where he was still crouched on the rooftop. “Deal. See you later, slow poke!” and with that, he ran and jumped to the next rooftop, landing well and keeping his momentum to run and leap to the next. 

After landing again, Scythe looked back to find Joel confused for a split second before making a running start and following. Both of them had smiles plastered across their faces as they ran, the lead constantly fluctuating between them. At one point, Scythe had misjudged a jump, landing rough and killing most of his momentum, where Joel had used his wings to help him clear the gap.

Seeing Joel use his wings to help him, Scythe recovered quickly, catching up easily with a small, innocent, teleport forward. “You use your wings, I use my teleporting!” he said as he caught up to Joel, teleporting to a nearby rooftop to gain the lead once more, smiling mischievously the whole time.

Joel, temporarily stunned and confused, launched himself in the air a moment later, zooming up to where Scythe was, now quite a few rooftops in front of him. “It’s not my fault you misjudged the leap! I was only using my resources!” he said before propelling himself further forward and up with his wings.

“If you want to play that way, it looks like I'll just have to use my resources too.” Scythe said to himself, Joel being well out of earshot by now. He teleported to the next few rooftops, closing the gap between him and Joel. Once he was close enough and made sure he had enough energy to teleport again, he teleported a few meters in front of Joel. He had positioned the teleport so that Joel would have to catch him if he wanted to keep flying, and so that he wouldn't crash down onto a rooftop.

And it worked perfectly. Joel saw Scythe falling in front of him and scrambled to catch him and keep flying before he crashed to the ground. After realizing what Scythe had done, Joel looked at the young enderian with a glare that shot all kinds of daggers.

“I used my resources, just like you did” is all that Scythe said in response, earning an eye roll and annoyed scoff from the winged brunette who held him. 

“You’re damn lucky that I care about you enough not to drop you right now.” Joel said after a minute more of just flying. Scythe saw that he was smiling, and he smiled as he replied, “I know, but all that teleporting was getting exhausting anyways.”

Joel muttered something along the lines of “Fair enough, I guess,” and flew the rest of the way to the Agency. It only took them around 5 more minutes to get there, and they spent probably around 12 or 13 getting there in total.

With those few minutes left once they actually arrived, they went inside to see who else was there, and to see if they could find their other 2 patrol members.

It didn't take long at all to find them either. iWork and Voidling were talking with each other just inside of the main doors, looking over at Scythe and Joel as they walked in. Voidling seemed to smile under his mask as he waved the pair over. “Lux, Stratos! Come over and chat for a bit before we go!” He said in a cheery tone.

Scythe smiled and walked over to them, Joel following close behind. “Hey guys!” He said as he got to them, and was handed a cup of water. He shrugged and took a drink, liking the way the cold helped to cool him down from the journey. 

“Safe passage here I hope?” iWork asked after handing Joel a cup of his own. 

Joel took a drink before he replied. “It was, but this child--” he looked at Scythe “-- decided to teleport in front of me while I was flying and made me have to carry him the rest of the way”

“Hey! I didn’t make you carry me! You even said so yourself; you care too much about me to have dropped me!” Scythe replied with a playfully offended gasp.

The winged man’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “Oh, shut up! No one asked for your input peanut gallery!” he reported jokingly.

“Alright you two, settle down.” Voidling said, stepping forward slightly to position himself between Joel and Scythe as they stared at each other. The masked hero turned to iWork and said, “It looks like we might have our hands full this afternoon.”

“Hey!” Scythe and Joel said simultaneously, causing the other two men to burst out in laughter, themselves stunned into silence and just staring at each other.

“Did that just happen?” Scythe asked.

“Yeah. Yeah it did.” Joel replied.

And the pair stood in shock as Voidling and iWork died of laughter on the floor.

(to be continued)

<<<Previous Next>>>

[roscolate]

I’M LEGIT TEARING UP RIGHT NOW 🥹🥹🥹😭😭😭

MY BOIS ARE BACK THE MARIO AND LUIGI RPGS ARE BACK OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS RN 😭😭😭

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

september 1, 2021 6:15 p.m. basil's restaurant

ten minutes ago

[ktmurphy86] i might be a few minutes late, but i'm almost there.

grant scrolls through the metric ton of messages piling up in his notifications until he reaches the very end, and with a lump in his throat, opens it to respond. or like it. or send a thumbs up like a cool cucumber.

baby steps, he tells himself. one task at a time. the responses to all the messages from family, friends, and former co-workers inquiring about his exam results will come later.

just meet your sister first and–

“you seem different.”

he nearly jumps out of his skin as kelly’s high-pitched voice supersedes his thoughts.

“hopefully in a good way,” grant replies, looking up as he slides his phone off the table and into his back pocket.

it’s been nearly a decade since their last encounter, and he’d still recognize her from a mile away.

kelly’s hair is dyed platinum blonde like always, but now it’s twice as long, and her natural brunette locks–peeking through at the root–are streaked through with shocks of silver. her ice blue eyes are just as piercing, only underlined with tiny wrinkles. she’s still thin, too, but rather rail thin; her sweater dress seems to wear her more than she wears it.

“yes, in a good way.” kelly pulls out the chair opposite him and sits down with her arms wrapped across her waist. the candle between them casts a strange yellow glow over her wiry features. “you look better, much healthier.”

“uh, thank you. you look great as well.”

she half-smiles. “it’s just hair dye and botox. i look old. i didn’t inherit the ageless ó súilleabháin genes, so i'm going grey very early like all the callahans. by the way, you weren’t waiting long, were you?”

“oh, no, no, not at all. i have my car, but i didn’t want to deal with traffic, so i took the subway, but then that also kind of took a while. i pretty much just got here.”

“okay, good.” kelly pauses for a moment, her lips pursed. “well. i thought about what i'd say to you the whole ride over here, and now it’s all gone.”

for a moment, they exchange no other words. they drown in the silence, staring into each other’s eyes and into the past.

she’s surprisingly warm, all things considered. the last time they’d been in the same room–

grant is distracted again from his thoughts, watching as a strange sadness falls across her face. she reaches up at the collar of her dress and tug at it like it’s choking her, and her eyes then drift away to stare at an indistinct point on the table between them.

“it’s weird to see you again,” she admits suddenly, her gaze still fixated far away from him, “i didn’t think you’d message me back a few months ago.”

“to be honest, i didn’t mean to. i replied by accident one night and then just decided to follow through with talking to you. and now i'm here. yeah. um, anyway, why’d you reach out to me?”

“i was on facebook a couple months ago, and one of those ‘look at what you posted this day years ago’ things came up. it was a picture aunt bridget tagged us all in. it was the whole family at one of your high school hockey games, i think your freshman year state championship game.” kelly shrugs. “i didn’t even know any of those pictures were still there. that was a real surprise, given i unfriended and blocked everyone i'm related to on there when i left home after high school.”

grant nods. “a picture of me probably very sweaty and gross with helmet hair made you want to reach out to me?”

“not quite. my kids were with me at the time. we were in an airport coming back from vacation, so they were bored and nosy. ‘is that you? who are all these people?’ i was then immediately caught in my lie; i'd been telling them their whole lives i had no family left, and their only extended family was their dad’s parents.”

“yikes. i'm sure that was awkward.”

“it was,” kelly says plainly, “my oldest kids weren’t happy with the news. they’ve been, um, a little jealous of their friends for having lots of cousins and big family events for the holidays, and it didn’t go over well when they figured out they do have a big family. besides, they rightfully did see it as a betrayal of their trust. if mom lied once, what else might mom be lying about? the tooth fairy? santa claus? the easter bunny? yes, those, too. sorry. also, if you didn’t already guess based on my new last name, i married jack, and…”

“i figured you married him. you’d already been together a really long time even when i last saw you. we all grew up together, and you guys were middle school and high school sweethearts and all.”

“he’s a good guy. as i was about to say, though, jack is very partial to you. he always liked you. he thought you were a sweet kid, and he won’t let me forget what happened between us. so, after the facebook incident, he encouraged me to contact you, if only for the kids’ sake. after living in a huge family, i don’t think it’s all that fantastic, but he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder being an only child, and he doesn’t want the kids to have no one besides his parents in their lives. don’t get me wrong; i will never ever get involved in callahan or ó súilleabháin bullshit again, but i will consider reconnecting with you and letting you meet the kids.”

grant bites into his lip as that nagging anxious lump returns to his throat. “well, why me? why bother getting involved with any of us again after everything? even if it is for your kids, what's your motivation?"

kelly outright ignores his question. “tell me what you’ve been up to for the last, what, eight years? nine years? i don’t remember how long it’s been. you're at least talking to our dad, i hear.”

"how do you know that?"

"my in-laws may not know anything else about you these days, but they've seen you with him around our hometown."

[psychotic-nonsense]

comic wip ramblings:

lil goobers…. concerned buckley and worried munson… the head tilt… they’re just lil fellas…

look at him go ! look at him fighting despite being afraid ! look at his big heart caring so deeply ! look at him loving so openly!

the face of a scared little boy who never thought he was worthy of being the hand reached for, suddenly being saved because someone wanted to…

[skrunksthatwunk]

idk if i've discussed it before (i have certainly THOUGHT about it) but someone on my kuwa suffering ep 89 comp mentioned it and i just had to go off about it like. ok. sensui tells yusuke something along the lines of "you heard itsuki" when itsuki's inside the uraotoko, implying that not only can sensui hear those inside the uraotoko, but that he expects yusuke to be able to as well. which means that yusuke Almost Certainly Heard And Kind Of Ignored kuwabara's prolonged mental breakdown and wailing about how much he needs yusuke to live etc. which. guHHH i hate him yusuke you ass but also listen.

the only acknowledgement yusuke gives to this (if any) is when he says something like "sensui you're sooo fucking cooked this plan's going perfectly (my friends are going to get strong and kill you when i die)." he's trash talking to sensui, ignoring the others because, i think, he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to them.

yusuke is explicitly recreating the experience he had with kuwabara's "death" at the hands of toguro, complete with the announcement of intent (and power) to kill, the inability to impede the threat in any way (barring a power-breakthrough), and the target in some way racing towards/volunteering for their death. yusuke learns through doing, and through tough love-style approaches. it's only effective if it hurts. watching kuwabara die like that was devastating to yusuke, but it sure as hell fucking worked. he beat toguro because of that maneuver. so even if he has to (re-)traumatize his friends in the process, this method will make his friends stronger, and he feels confident in that. but he never had to live with the consequences of kuwabara's death, not really. that's something hiei makes clear before they enter the cave as well, that there are no fake-outs ready to make him or anyone else stronger. the only deaths here will be real. the only power gained will come at a high, permanent cost. hiei's warning is an attempt to keep everyone alive, to keep yusuke from being stupid. and then yusuke decides to take that fatality into his own hands, but it's kind of his friends who would pay the price. he's going to make them live through the days, months, years without him, the actual permanency of loss (assuming they survive for that long), something he never experienced with kuwabara (a new facet of that traumatic scenario), AND he's escaping the emotional fallout of this choice through death. he doesn't have to see them mourn, won't get yelled at, won't watch them fail to move on. he's tapping out and choosing to believe they'll be fine.

but i think he feels guilty. just a little. i mean, yusuke couldn't even believe that people cared about him enough to want him alive in episode one. he's staked everything on his friends, which means he still kind of... doesn't value his own life, at least not compared to theirs. but he believes his friends love him and want him around, and we know that because he has to, or else he wouldn't make a plan that depends entirely on that love. he is actively leveraging the care he doesn't think he deserves, trying to hurt them in a way he is intimately familiar with (only worse), for.... what, exactly?

this is kind of my sticking point tbh. i don't think the answer is... super clear, but let's start with what it's not.

yusuke is not doing this because it is the most practical way to save all of humanity; that would be the mafukan, which he stopped. it could be a gamble to save all of his friends? the mafukan strategy would guarantee koenma's death/eternal imprisonment, whereas this strategy gambles all of humanity on the chance that his friends come out of the Easy Break Oven strong enough to avert the end of the world. if the sacrifice of even one friend is completely intolerable, perhaps he'd accept those slim odds and their steep consequences. yusuke tends to take risks like that, especially when he's got fight-induced tunnel vision. he doesn't think things through too much; his schemes are usually dependent on surprising his enemy enough to oneshot them. truthfully, i think this is the closest we'll get to an answer, and it's a more conventional one for this kind of story. but there is another layer i haven't been able to get from my mind.

i think yusuke is gifting each of his friends an honorable warrior's death.

so, in case it needs saying, yusuke, kuwabara, kurama, and hiei all (at least once, if not several times) exhibit a desire to die in combat in a way they deem noble to give their lives purpose (usually by self-sacrifice, but sometimes by another metric of honor, like hiei's duel with shigure and his desire to die in mutual defeat against an evenly matched opponent; or even kurama's decision to fight shigure in his human form, displaying a sort of passive suicidality via placing being true to himself in this (somewhat symbolic/inconsequential) way over survival). they need to make their lives count for something, because they feel guilty for being alive (kurama and hiei feel guilty for their past actions (hiei's is most evident in his distance from yukina, though that's not its primary reason), hiei, kuwabara, and yusuke have all been ostracized and made to feel like burdens on/unwanted by their caregivers and general society; all four of them have felt profound isolation even from their loved ones (yusuke and hiei are rather obvious; kurama can never tell his mother about the majority of his life nor what she truly means to him in the context of it; and kuwabara is separated from his peers for his spiritual awareness and his "stupidity" (plus his parents aren't around? and he is Desperate to define manhood/manliness through a broader pop cultural one which includes the warrior sacrifice thing bc he has no male role models BUT that's for another post) (i will admit kuwa's the most tenuous one here irt isolation)). they want to die for a cause so badly it's actually physically painful to me. it is passive suicidality, and they define their lives and identities by their relation to, engagement with, and skill at doing violence, etc. they live to die by the sword. anyway. nobody talks about it but i think it's very important to understanding what yusuke's doing here.

because i think he knows that about himself and his friends. they're kindred spirits. at the very least he knows this about kuwabara, who literally made a speech about this before diving into toguro's fingers In The Event That He Is Recreating Explicitly. he is dying nobly like they all want to on the chance that they'll get to break out and fight sensui rather than dying without even getting to take a swing. it's about his pride and theirs. but i don't think yusuke necessarily believes they'll win. he knows better than anyone how strong sensui is, and how wide the gap is between sensui and team urameshi. his stated position that humanity is doomed and that he doesn't care about its fate is, i think, not completely genuine, but if we take it at face value, he's not killing himself so that his friends can survive the end of the world. something's going to come around and kill them eventually. he's doing it so they can survive long enough to fight sensui. he needs them (specifically kuwabara) to be strong enough to free themselves to begin round two. but he's given up on their side winning, on humanity surviving, on his own victory---why should he think his friends are capable of winning? this could be another case of yusuke's fight-blinders. it could be another gamble, more blind faith put in his friends. but honestly it reads more to me that yusuke's giving them a chance to die together on the battlefield. them winning would be great, but it's not his goal. it's a pipe dream.

he knows he's going to be killed. they're probably going to be killed, too. but to make it so they last a little longer against sensui, to make the odds a little more even, so they are killed not like livestock, but like worthy fighters, he'd die a little faster. it's the best kind of death someone like them can have; and he'll deprive himself of it just to make their ends a little sweeter. even if the road to that is far more bitter.

but it's not like yusuke's friends know what he's thinking or agree to it, and he can't exactly make his case for it in the moment. he's making that choice for them. whatever his intentions, whatever odds he thinks they have of beating sensui, he's kind of sealing all of their fates. so how the hell is he supposed to acknowledge kuwabara screaming at him not to die, trying desperately to express what yusuke means to him in what could be their final moments together? this plan is going to hurt his friends terribly. it is already doing so, and he can hear it. his choices to stop koenma from using the mafukan and to die for his friends' strength are both selfish in some way, no matter how you read the scene. if yusuke comforts kuwabara, he might not get strong enough. if he twists the knife, well... how could he forgive himself? and either way by responding he would have to face them all and say yes, i'm doing this regardless of your feelings (with the intention of hurting you). so i think he does what he often does. he avoids it. he lets that emotion glance off him and his bravado and his one-liners so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that he's hurting people, that he's scared and guilty and unsure of himself. that he's about to die again, about to put kuwabara through the grief he saw at his wake again, only worse; about to put his quieter friends through something similar.

yusuke is confronted with the responsibility one has to the people who care for them, and he runs from it in an attempt to give them some small peace. just like when he died before and thought hey, at least my mom and keiko won't be burdened by me anymore. because the only thing he can really do for them is die.

[jester-step]

week 4 and a half of missing kalina :(

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

me desperately trying to outrun my writer’s block for the fiftieth time this week

[seventh-district]

sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.

and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.

and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.

and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.

[sysig]

Special Counseling (Patreon)

[a-cryptid-called-magetha]

“see you around, brown eyes.”

[vesselmade-a]

seeing as i don’t want to tackle drafts yet and i’ve cleared most of my inbox, here’s a tiny starter call! im capping at 5 as to not overwhelm myself

[fictionadventurer]

I like reading your history posts. You make history interesting.

If you haven’t already could you do one on Lucretia Garfield and her tangled love story?

I have talked about it a bit, but I'd love to go into more detail. Perhaps the best thing I can do is link you to this article by Michelle Krowl from the Library of Congress, who happened to be my favorite recurring guest on Presidential, but I'd also like to give the quick, chatty version of my understanding of the story.

James and Lucretia Garfield are the definition of a slow-burn love story. They met each other in high school, and then again when they both attended the Western Reserve Eclectic Institute (a kind of prep school) and became interested in each other though they had very different personalities and upbringings. Lucretia's father helped run the Eclectic Institute. James could only afford to go there by working as a janitor (at least until his second year there, when they gave him six classes to teach). Lucretia came from an extremely reserved family where you didn't show emotions ever. James' family was loud and emotionally open and openly affectionate. But the two of them shared a love of literature and learning, and in 1853, James tentatively started the courtship by sending her a letter, and by 1854, they were engaged.

But it was a very slow and painful trip to the altar. James left for college after they got engaged, and since he was a handsome, gregarious, and openly affectionate guy, he attracted the attention of other women. Lucretia, being shy and reserved, didn't know how to express the emotions she felt about her fiance, especially via letter. At one point (though I can't quite figure out exactly when this happened), James told Lucretia he was worried she didn't truly love him. Lucretia (in a move that could inspire a whole new fanfic trope) responded by handing him her diary, which contained years' worth of entries where she poured her heart out. After reading the private emotional turmoil that she'd been too reserved to show, James was finally convinced that she loved him.

But he wasn't quite sure that he loved her. Like I said, he was an emotionally open guy, and wasn't sure that she would be warm and gushing enough to satisfy his need for affection (he was a bit needy). He got involved with another woman, and when Lucretia found out about it, she wrote him this heartbreaking letter where she forgave him for his transgression, assured him that she still loved him, but begged him to break it off if he loved the other woman more than her, because, "to be an unloved wife, O Heavens, I could not endure it".

But that's exactly what she became. Despite their doubts (both worried they were marrying more for duty than love), they finally wed in 1858. In their first five years of marriage, they spent twenty weeks together, because James was constantly off dealing with his political career, and later, serving in the Civil War. Their young daughter died, they kept spending time apart, and they just couldn't seem to connect with each other.

The low point came when James had an affair with a widow when he was off fighting in the Civil War in 1864. James confessed the affair to Lucretia, and she forgave him, asking only that he break off the relationship. Her strength in dealing with her heartbreak over this finally made James realize what an awesome wife he had--and it probably helped that they were finally able to live together when he started his political career in Washington. By 1867, they were writing each other letters about how desperately and deeply they loved each other, and they were deeply in love for the rest of their lives.

Which makes his tragic early death by assassination all the more heartbreaking. But at least they got a few years of happiness to make up for some of the suffering they went through to get there.

[idiot-arih]

hello! i’m sorry that i was gone for so long. it’s literally almost been a year since i even touched this site. every day i saw notifications from here, but couldn’t work up the will to really open tumblr again or even reach out to the people that supported me the most. i’m sorry for continually promising to return just to disappear for an even longer period of time. my motivation and mental health has finally recovered enough for me to finally return. i hope you’ve all been well and i wish the best for all of you. i’m slowly starting to draw again and will hopefully be able to whip up some things that i’ve been planning on for over a year now. thank you for your patience and understanding. this time i mean it.

[aaami]

Hiiiiii :^)

[bloomshift]

Art queue refilled

finally refilling my queue! It's a lot of gem galaxies to start. I no longer consider myself to be a player of that game nor a like, "fan" of it, but I am proud of the characters I developed and the art I made, so its going up here. Just know that when that part of the queue passes thats probably it, at least for a long time.

[essaytime]

do you have any fun facts about hamlet i need motivation to keep reading this play (i like it so far but its so damn long)

— @iron--and--blood

ooops not that many

I like talking about Ophelia, she's my darling, and I enjoy the play as well as Hamlet's character, but I'm nowhere near an expert and I don't really have any kind of fun fact. I'm pretty sure my mutual @gabriel-shutterson (sorry for invoking you if it's inconvenient in any way) is more of an expert here. Here's some incoherent thoughts, not really fun facts, in the tags, though